The Fit Lady

If you live with or care for someone who is struggling with depression it can be confusing and frustrating to know how to help. If you truly want to help someone with depression know that it could take time to see a breakthrough but it is worth any effort you can give.

You’ll never be able to know for sure what tactic or words will have effect on helping your loved one but the right thing at the right time could make all the difference so don’t give up. Sometimes for someone struggling to know they have someone on their side helping them fight their battle is the relief they need in certain moments. Depression can an extremely heavy burden to carry, at some times more than others.

If you are the one struggling and this list resonates with you please share this with someone you trust so you can begin to ask for and receive the help you need.

Here are a list of my top 10 ways you can help someone with depression. This can be for anyone, male or female, adult or child. Having an open mind and continuing to learn will bless your loved ones life as well as you own.

Be forewarned: those struggling may be living with a tremendous amount of fear.

Don’t be surprised if your efforts don’t seem to be helping or even met with hostility. They themselves probably don’t understand what is going on inside their brain. As you learn what triggers them, for good and bad, you can begin to see more and more success.

1. Get a professional

Please be sure your loved one is seeking professional help. Don’t skip this step! A general practitioner or an OB can help but I strongly recommend working with a psychologist and therapist who will have more expertise treating depression.

There is no shame in having to take medication long term or even just temporarily.

Someone who has depression may not want to take medication. One reason may be that if feels like the depression is winning, yes it’s a fight. Another reason may be that the medication may make her not feel herself. Keep trying until you find the right “recipe”.

If she isn’t sleeping because of nightmares, there are medications that can help. Getting enough sleep is so important for mental health. Keep asking questions of your loved one and their doctor there may be something you ask about that you never knew existed.

Looking for a more natural approach read my post here about my favorite supplements.

2. Laugh together

Don’t confuse laughing together with laughing at her or the illness, that will backfire. Do watch funny movies or TV shows and literally LOL together. Get your friends and go out to dinner and laugh or have them over and play stupid silly games. Just be kids and remember what life was like before the heaviness of life set in.

Depression is not just feeling sad or down despite the name, but the weight of it does make her feel sad and down as much as she tries to put on a strong front. Inviting fun and silliness into your days can give her a break and truly help lift the burden she is carrying even if for a short time.

Don’t get discouraged if your efforts aren’t received with eagerness on her part, especially at first, but keep trying. Even if it’s reading funny memes together while you relax with her at the end of the day.

3. Hug… A lot

Hugging actually releases emotionally positive brain chemicals effecting mood, behavior and physiology. This is a scientific study I’d love to have participated in!

• Hugging increases the levels of oxytocin, which is a hormone known as the bonding hormone and can actually improve pain tolerance and helps us heal faster from physical wounds.
• Hugging lowers your heart rate easing fear and anxiety helping you worry less.
• Hugging eases loneliness. Depression can be extremely lonely for everyone involved.
• Hugging is a sign of social support. Knowing you have support decreases the stress hormone cortisol and norepinephrine.
• Hugging releases the feel good hormones serotonin and dopamine having a calming effect.

No wimpy hugs or pats on the back. At times your loved one may be hard to hug but break that barrier and give a firm hug.

4. Listen without feeling blamed

Don’t take the illness personally. You may at times have been told you are to blame for how they feel or you may just begin to take it personally. You should know when you are responsible for someone else’s pain. If you are hurting them mentally or physically stop it! You may need to receive help for your own issue and sometimes the healthiest thing to do might be ending the relationship completely if you are causing someone pain.

You reading this tells me you truly care for and love this person so most likely you are not to blame. There may be things you are doing unknowingly that are preventing healing. Read my post here about the things you may need to stop doing.

Your loved one may lash out at you in weak moments but know those moments may be the times when they are close to a breakthrough. Sounds strange but if they are very outspoken about what they are feeling they are grasping for a hand to help them pull them out of the pit they are in.

Silence can be more dangerous. They may be so far down in the pit they feel there is no lifeline available or no one will ever be able to hear them, understand them or help them. So be grateful when they willingly vocalize what they are dealing with even it it hurts to hear.

5. Explain how it’s effecting your life. (Sensitively)

They shouldn’t be given a free pass to take all their frustrations and fears out on you. Be clear about your love for them and your willingness to help but let them know when you are hurting too. Be clear to them about your limits. Being human together creates a stronger bond between you than if you were to always be expected to be the rock in your relationship.

Give her the challenge of being your rock. Helping you helps ease her brain from her own worries. Being able to love and care for others is a reason to live.

6. Show lots of love and affection

Beyond hugging be sure to know what types of things they need to feel the most loved. Read the book The 5 Love Languages. It helps us discover how we can best give and receive love. It may be through giving flowers and chocolates, a kind note, more cuddling, more time together, or help with a chore.

As you discover how best to show each other love it may not seem natural at first. How they want to be shown love may not how you naturally feel to give and show love. You will both benefit from experimenting with this. Tell them you love it or feel most loved when they (fill in the blank). Be sure to show your appreciation when they do those things for you.

7. Get out and do your own thing

Don’t feel you can’t continue to do the things you love and pursue your dreams because your loved one doesn’t participate in those things. They probably feel a lot of guilt because they may feel they are holding you back. There is also a lot of frustration in themselves for not being able to all the things they want to do.

8. Acknowledge what’s happening to him or her

It may seem that talking about their “problem” only keeps it alive on days when it seems not to be problem. It is most likely very much alive at all times, she is just managing it becomes very good at hiding it. Acknowledge that it is there. This may seem like a downer to you to bring it up but it is a huge sign of support and a major stress reliever.

Be sensitive with how, when and where you bring it up. Protect their privacy and know it can be hurtful to know you are freely sharing things about them that are extremely sensitive.

9. Sauna Time

Sauna use has proven to be extremely helpful in the treatment of major depressive disorder. Read my post here about all the ways the sauna can hel and my personal experience with it.

Heat stress on the body creates resilience physically and mentally. If you’re at the gym for the sauna include a workout before for even more benefit…

Like Walking…

Go for daily walks together, outside if possible. Use the time to talk, or not talk, whatever you two need for the day. Invite others to go with you two or offer for her to walk alone at times. A walk alone can be very healing, or a walk with a puppy (just sayin).

As you walk try leading discussions about how the two of you may be able to help someone else in need. Helping others gives us purpose and helps take our mind off our own worries.

10. Shopping

Shopping? Yes shopping. Someone struggling with depression can have more than a hard time doing “normal” things. The stress that comes with not being able to be “normal” can build and build until it becomes debilitating and paralyzing.

• For example: If your wife has depression and she is normally in charge of grocery shopping, washing the dishes, cooking dinner or whatever is normal for her and you notice those things are not being done, or slowly diminishing in quality, step up and do it quietly. Bringing attention to theses things can become more paralyzing.

Doing this will make you her knight in shining armour.  It is that amazing.

Even better, offer to go grocery shopping with her, make it a short trip and for something fun creating a positive experience to build on.

For a while the only way I could get groceries was through Walmart’s free grocery pickup service. This is an amazing service but permanently avoiding doing things you want to “normally” be able to do could snowball into more isolating choices.  Isolation can be addicting.

 Bonus:

Continue learning, read this post and discuss this together, also read what not to do in my post here. These discussions open doorways to healing and helps those who suffer learn more about themselves and how they may be able to come up for air.

Doing these things will bring you peace and create a stronger relationship with those you love.  Our struggles can become our strengths easier when we work together.

Comment below if someone has done something for you that has helped in a depressive episode or what you think would be helpful but have never asked for.  I feel humbled and hopeful that you can find hope and healing here.